DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME;

"Everywhere at once"

Seems to me these days we're juggling Barnum & Bailey style. But even I have
to admit it's all such exciting fun and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Funny how, when you are touring, at a certain point all you can think about is
getting home. That becomes the goal; to GET HOME. When are we getting home?
Soon. Are we there yet? Almost. You start to think like that. Except when
you're in Spain or Greece or Copenhagen, that is.

Those places play very loose with the rules. Not like England. If the
sandwich comes with butter, you're gettin' butter. It doesn't matter what you
say to the person who's making it. You don't want butter, take it off. Where
do you think you are, Beverly Hills? A women in York actually said that to me.
And to me, it doesn't matter WHERE I am because my MONEY is in my pocket and
if I don't want butter, why, in Cliff Richard's name, can't I have it with no
butter?

After a while, little things like that start to drive you mad and the slightest
infraction can be blown WAY out of proportion. Like Mr. Chapple knocking that
martini in my face when he threw the pillow at me in Guilford to stop me from
snoring. I say, live and let live.If you snore and I can't take it I wear
ear plugs. It's that simple.

Has ANYONE ever been over to Rusty's house? His house is a mess. I know. I
lived there for 12 bloody years! My piano is still there with dust from 1989
still on it. In the piano bench is a WILD GOOSE calendar I got for my birthday
back in '91. I had to hide it from my THEN girlfriend, Melinda Katz (not her
real name...I am changing it a bit due to her rising popularity and successful
film career and to keep me from getting sued - her dad's a lawyer), who forbade
me from going to El Segundo's BEST strip club and used to really make me feel
bad when she'd find out. So I had to hide it from her and lie whenever I went
there with my buddy, Denny Markle (real name...he's nobody....sorry Denny)

All that stuff is still there. No attempt has been made to clean it up so I
have decided to take matters into my own hands; QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY!
I only needed to turn to my NEW FAVORITE TV show for the answer. Now, I'm not
sure if y'all Brits get this brilliant show but it comes on in the USA on cable
(BRAVO channel)and it is extremely entertaining.

Known as the 'Fab Five' they are an elite team of gay men dedicated to
extolling the simple virtues of style, taste and class. Each week their mission
is to transform a style-deficient and culture-deprived straight man from drab
to fab in each of their respective categories: fashion, food & wine, interior
design, grooming and culture. I think they could even do Rusty one fine job. They do a
great job and this ain't no Hollywood acting either. These guys are 100% GAY.
I think my favorite is Carson, although Jai can be hilarious! Now that this
show is a hit, the world will never be the same.

And say, speaking of Melinda, she just went to Dave Jenkins guitar shop
yesterday (TRUTONE MUSIC) and sold him the GIBSON EPIPHONE acoustic I gave her
for her birthday 10 years ago! How could you do that to me, Melinda? After all
that I did for you! I guess it really is over...(Oops! we broke up 7 years
ago...my bad...) Well, guitar or no guitar, I've said all along you are gonna
win an Oscar and dammit, YOU WILL. And I will be able to say, 'Told you so!'
You don't even have to thank me in your acceptance speech. No, really, no
thanks is needed. Just know I'll be sitting there on my couch rooting for you
and sipping Lauren Pierre. Unless of course QUEER EYE is on, in which case I may
just have to tape it.

=====

Mike Randle
mike@lovewitharthurlee.com

BACK TO LOVE TOUR DIARIES